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 Kaepora Gaebora's Dodgeball Contest (part 1/2) 
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Hylian Squire
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Post Kaepora Gaebora's Dodgeball Contest (part 1/2) • Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 9:03 pm
Kaepora Gaebora's Dodgeball Contest (part 1)

Written by Austin Hale

It's about time! For the first time ever, Kaepora Gaebora is once again, for the final time, holding his second, and not last I assure you, Hyrulian Dodgeball Competition! What new surprises are in store for our beloved Zelda Characters? Well, let's wait and find out... That's it, I'm done waiting. We begin in Link's house... as always...

LINK: (On the toilet, suffering from... let's just say... a stomach cramp... from his allergic reaction to potatoes) Awww... Oohhhhh... nobody told me there were potatoes in yams... Awww... (Phone rings) Oh crud... I hope that's not for me... Zelda, can you get that?!

ZELDA: Link! It's for you!

LINK: Dangit, are you serious?!

ZELDA: (On phone) Yeah, he's right here. (To Link) Here ya go, Link!

LINK: Shhhh! (Shoos her away) I'm not here!

ZELDA: (On the phone) I'm sorry, he's... NOT here at the moment. Can I take a message?... Mmhmm... Okay... (Whispering to Link) It's Kaepora Gaebora, about some Dodgeball tournament.

LINK: Dodgeball?! Zelda, gimme the phone! (She throws it to him) KG, my man! Yeah, of course I'm here... Really? ... Ok, how many people? ... Okay... TOMORROW?! ...No that's fine. I, I just— I'm... running a little behind. So, what's the prize?... A Nintendo Wii?!?! Man, that's really awesome KG. Alright, I'll see if I can get a team together. Thanks a lot, man. Later. (hangs up) Zelda!

ZELDA: I heard. I was on the other line. Running a little behind, huh?

LINK: Oh, shut up. Hehehehe...

Later that day...

LINK: Alright, now is everyone here?

GANONDORF: Well, if you call Skull Kid a person. (Everyone laughs, Skull Kid cries)

RAURU: Yeah, um, why did you invite him in the first place?

LINK: I invited everyone because I wanted to see what strengths and weaknesses you have so I can tell who I want to put on my Dodgeball team. Who knows? Skull Kid might actually be helpful.

DARUNIA: A Dodgeball team?? You lied to us! You said this was another potluck! I skipped dinner for this, too! Now I'm gonna starve!

NABOORU: (Whispering) Well, at least we know what HIS weakness is... (All snicker... except Darunia... poor fatty)

MALON: I can't believe you lied just to bring us here! You are a selfish moron, Link. I say we make our own NON-LIARS team, just in spite of Link! Who's with me?

(Shouts of agreement)

GANONDORF: Malon, you think you're so much better than everyone else!

MALON: No, just you.

GANONDORF: Well I AM better than everyone else! So therefore, by thinking you're better than me, you also—

MALON: Yes. We get it. Shut up.

GANONDORF: Well, if you think you're so good, I'm going to join Link's team and beat yours!

NABOORU: You're joining Link, Ganny poo? Aren't you two like... crazy-big-character-rivals-to-the-death?

GANONDORF: Anything to oppose the "oh-so-magnificent Malon".

NABOORU: In that case, honey, I want to join Malon. We haven't had a good battle of Dodgeball since high school. Nothing personal, just think of it as a fun duel between lovers... just for enjoyment. Besides, I think our relationship needs a—

GANONDORF: You're going down, Malon!

NABOORU: You're ignoring me again...

LINK: Zelda, you're not going to leave me and join them too, right?

ZELDA: Of course not. But I'll need to be FAST!

LINK: Oh no...

ZELDA: And in shape...

LINK: No wait!

ZELDA: And most of all, I need incredible—

LINK: You don't have to do this!

ZELDA: ...cat-like reflexes!

LINK: There must be another way!

ZELDA: I need to be... (starts spinning around like in those herbal essence commercials... she transforms) SHEIK!

LINK: (sighs) Whatever.

SKULL KID: Whoa... so like, is she a he now?

GANONDORF: Oh yeah. I had trouble believing this, too. That was the reason I couldn't find her, you see, my little orb of magic on my forehead can locate any girl in Hyrule (creepy). But seeing as she WASN'T female at the time...

IMPA: This is true. I taught you this power and the knowledge of the Sheikah to protect and disguise you and now you abuse it to become traitorous?

SHEIK: (deeper voice) Oh, Impa. It's all fun and games. Besides, this'll make it challenging.

MIDO: That's gotta be against the rules though. It's cheating! It's like using steroids!

RAURU: No, the rules say nothing about changing your gender or form with magic...or steroids... I don't think the judges were aware of this situation, and I hope not.

SARIA: Well, I'm with Malon. Girl power!

MIDO: (lovey-dovey) And I'm with Saria!

SARIA: Eww. Whatever.

RAURU: I'm with Link.

DARUNIA: Me too, I'm ahangin' out wit my litta brudda! (everyone staring at him) Just... you know... returning the favor.

IMPA: Wannabe. Anyways, I think it's obvious who I'm joining. Malon.

LINK: Well, that leaves Ruto and Skull Kid. Well, guys?

RUTO: Why can't we have a thrilling game of DODGEFISH?!

LINK: Yeah, you're with them. (pushes Ruto, pulls Skull Kid into his group)

SKULL KID: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GUYS! Wow, I was actually NOT the last one to be picked on a team for once! I really do have friends!

GANONDORF: We're not you're friends.

SKULL KID: Good, I don't need any, leave me alone!

MALON: Mark my words: you will not win this contest, and I will do anything to prevent you from doing so. (everyone glares at her) ...Uh, except cheat, of course. Hehe.

LINK: May the better team win.

NABOORU: Oh, so you like to brag huh? Well let me tell you, don't think you guys have this game in the bag just because it's boys vs. girls.

MIDO: Hey, I'm on your team!

NABOORU: I know, I said BOYS vs. GIRLS... (Mido pouts)

RUTO: Yeah! Don't think we'll be totally and utterly obliterated!

GANONDORF: (Muttering to Rauru) Yeah. They're going to be totally and utterly obliterated. (Both laugh)

MALON: See you in 2nd place, losers!

LINK: You mean, while we're in 2nd place? Or while you're in 2nd place? Because if you just see us...in second place, that could mean—

MALON: JUST... YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!

(Malon, Impa, Nabooru, Ruto, Saria, and Mido leave)

RAURU: Sheesh, they seem a little over-confident.

GANONDORF: Good, let them get their hopes up, so when we crush them, they'll feel all the more inferior! Bwaahahahahaha!

LINK: Alright, well, before we get practicing, I need find out what you're good and bad at, so we can strengthen your weaknesses. So I need each of you to tell me what's wrong with you. Go ahead.

DARUNIA: I eat too much. And I can't really run.

RAURU: I have arthritis. And I'm a control freak.

SKULL KID: I don't have any friends.

SHEIK: I can't really—

GANONDORF: I keep interrupting people.

LINK: I see... well, starting tomorrow morning we'll get working on this. The tournament's tomorrow, so get plenty of sleep.

(Meanwhile, at Lon Lon Ranch)

MIDO: Tee hee, it's like another girl's night out!

MALON: Shut up, Mido! Ok guys, here's the plan. Those guys are probably trying to come up with some stupid idea to either injure or confuse us, so don't let your guard down. We need to be sneaky and—

NABOORU: You're not planning on rigging this thing, are you? I mean, c'mon. They're just a bunch of guys. We can outsmart them.

SARIA: Yeah, if we can just work on cooperation, our reflexes, and our speed and strength, we should be fine.

IMPA: But in order to do that, we'll need someone to train us. Who shall we ask?

RUTO: Oh, oh, oh! I KNOW! I KNOW! We can ask my dad!

SARIA: Are you kidding? That fat ol' flounder doesn't know the difference between a Dodgeball and a 12-pound steak.

NABOORU: Or lobster! (Everyone, and Mido, giggles)

MALON: Well we can ask someone here on the ranch. How about my dad Talon, or Ingo?

MIDO: Try Ingo, I'll bet he could help. If he can train horses, he can train us.

IMPA: Thanks, Mido. (rolls eyes)

NABOORU: You talk to him, Malon. We're gonna go practice all night long, and we'll meet back here tomorrow for training with Ingo.

MALON: Ok. See ya. (Everyone leaves). Hey! Ingo!

INGO: Whaddya want?!

MALON: There's a tournament tomorrow for Dodgeball. I gotta team and we need some help training. Can you help us?

INGO: (Snaps rake in half) Bring it on!!!

Ahem... WhO wIlL wIn ThE eVeNt? Is ShEiK rEaLlY a MaLe? WhAt WiLl InGo Do To HeLp ThE tEaM? wHaT's Up WiTh MiDo BeInG oN tHe GiRl'S tEaM (well, we really don't care, but I think you know why)? WiLl ThE aDvAnTaGe Go To LiNk AnD hIs TeAm Of SlEeP aNd EnErGy, Or To MaLoN aNd HeR tEaM oF pRaCtIcE aNd TrAiNiNg? WhY iS dArUnIa So FaT? dOeS tHaT hAvE sOmEtHiNg To Do WiTh MaKiNg EvErY oThEr LeTtEr CaPiTaLiZeD? FiNd OuT iN pArT 2...

To Be Continued...


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