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 Stalfos Times 
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Hylian Knight
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Post Stalfos Times • Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:29 pm
Issue #1

BX: Hi there! It's everyone's favourite Stalfos reporter, BX! Coming to you live with breaking interviews and coverage spanning EVERY Legend of Zelda universe!

BX: In my first issue I thought I should cover the newly release Ocarina of Time 3D!......And then I realized EVERY Stalfos reporter would be covering that! See, I only report stories YOU WON'T GET ANYWHERE ELSE! Now ON WITH THE STORY!

~In lieu of the recent remake of a classic game, I decided to interview characters from Majora's Mask, in order to find out if they had heard anything about the possibility of maybe perhaps there being a hypothetical but somewhat true chance of a Majora's Mask remake. This is what I found out!~

BX: Excuse me miss? I'm a reporter from the Stalfos Times, I just wanted to ask you a few-

Anju: *shriek* AH! A Stalfos! HELP MEEEEEE!

BX: Um, miss? If you would please listen to me-


*smack* *sock* *crack*


~As you can see, the people were quite determined to not spill any beans! But don't worry, I came back the next day to make SURE I got some info!~

BX: Hello?.....Um.....Is anyone here?.......Damn that moon looks menacing...


Hylian Knight
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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:23 pm
Issue #2

BX: You may remember that in our last issue I was stranded in a town with little to no people and a looming Moon overhead! I then came to the realization that I had traveled, not to the current date Termina, but to the Termina of the PAST! Which was currently being plagued by the Skull Kid's antics! Me, being able to adapt to ANY situation, realized this would be a PERFECT opportunity to speak with the one and only LINK, while he saves Termina! WHAT A SCOOP!

~With the Third Day upon me I set out to find the Hero of Time in this crucial moment of the game. I decided to wait for him at the Door to the Clock Tower.~

BX: Doot dee doodoodoo DOODOO Doot Dee doodoodoo Doo Doo Doo...Man what's taking him? It's almost time....I'm getting anxious....BUT A REPORTER HAS THE PATIENCE TO WAIT INDEFINITELY.....at least for a scoop...

*dong dong*

BX: Gyah?! It's already time?!?! Gyah!?! The Clock Tower is MOOOOVING!! WHERE'S A HERO WHEN YOU NEED ONE?!

*swish swish swish*

BX: A reporter always remains calm whenever something incredibly scoop worthy occurs......BUT WHY IS EVERYTHING WHITE AND SWIRLY!


BX: Ouch.....Where am I?....HUH?! I'm in my editing room?! It looks exactly how I left it three days ag- oh. I see. Well then........BETTER LUCK THIS TIME AROUND!


Hylian Knight
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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:02 pm
Issue #3

BX: After my sixth unsuccessful attempt to interview MM Link, I had decided to give Termina one last chance and try to get information out of at least ONE person!

~With me nearing my limits, I knew I had to score some vital information to finish off this series on Majora's Mask! I think I got some reasonable answers from people...~

BX: Hello! Do you mind answering a question or two?

1) Kafei: I'M NOT KAFEI! *flee*

2) Rosa Sisters: Leave us alone. We're busy.

3) Tingle: Please stop running! I'll answer your questions!

4) Happy Mask Salesmen: My....You've met with a terrible fate, haven't-....wait come back!

5) Anju: Oh god, that thing's BACK! GYAH!

6) Igos du Ikana: Say, haven't seen YOUR skull 'round here before. How would you like to join my army?

BX: As you can see folks, the land of Termina is full of VERY unhelpful people! It goes to show why there's only one Inn in the entire area! I do NOT recommend this place as a vacation getaway! Now I'll see you all NEXT TIME! For now I.....ulp.....Master Igos needs me to mop something.


Hylian Squire
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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 2:24 am
Thats given me an idea......(MWAHAHAHAHA.....Burp)

Hot babes and ice cream=YAY! ;)
I'm the master of rulebreaking. Don't like it get over it!

Hylian Knight
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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 4:06 am
BX: I always LOVE it when I get FAN MAIL! Even if it's just one!.....and I don't understand what it says....

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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 5:32 am
Alright, so I tried to comment once before... let's try this again :p.

That was excellently done, BeeX, it's nice to see some new Zelda Humour going on around the forums :p. I'm not sure if this counts as satire, but what the heck, it was well written and executed as good as could be. I hope you continue this as a regular series for us to enjoy. You caught the essence of the characters in your summary of reactions perfectly, my favourite of course being Tingle :P.

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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:59 am
Oh jeez. XD Thanks for the laughs BX.

"May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce."
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"Hello ladies. Look at your villain, now back to me. Now back at your villain, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he stopped toying with you and started messing with the flow of time, he could attempt to look like me. Look down, back up, where are you? You're in the palace of my dreams, witnessing the man your villain can't look like. What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's the Light Force, flowing out of your beloved princess. Look again. THE PRINCESS IS NOW DEKU NUTS. Anything is possible when your villain tries to look like me and not a pig-beast. I'm on a Helmaroc."

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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:15 pm
Heh...yeah, I'd be afraid of Tingle too...>_>

Poor BeeX. Conscription sucks, now, doesn't it?

“Asphixation, defenstration, breathing wool, decapitation. Drinking from a lava pool, driving drunk to look so cool. Crazy bees sting you a lot, eating any rats you caught - all these ways that you can die. Don't forget poisonous pie!" -Classic SmashQueen, Fri Aug 16, 2013 11:03 pm
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Hylian Knight
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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 6:47 pm
Issue #4

BX: It took me two weeks to escape Ikana Canyon, but I am BACK and READY to tackle a NEW story! This time I side step Ocarina of Time ONCE MORE, to bring you news THAT NO OTHER STALFOS-BASED NEWSPAPER IS REPORTING! I have decided to find and interview each of the unsung heroes of Twilight Princess! YES! I AM talking of the GREAT Resistance!

~ I'm now reaching Telma's Bar where I will soon be able to converse with the 5 members of the Resistance! I cannot wait!~

BX: Ah, Castle Town is ALWAYS bustling with life!

Woman: *scream*

Guard: Son of a Poe! A Stalfos is attacking the townsfolk!

BX: What?! Where?! I'll definitely want to interview him!.....Um, excuse me, good sirs, why are you crowding around me like that?


BX: Well, I am your favourite Stalfos reporter, reporting from OUTSIDE Castle Town.....waiting for any Resistance members to exit town, so I can get an exclusive interview.....although no one has actually left town in a while....

Agitha: Why, Hello Mr Boneman! Would you like to help me find some bugs? With the way you look you might be able to help me find some adorable little maggots...

BX: Not now little girl...I'm waiting for someone to leave town.

Agitha: But what if that person leaves the town from its two other exits?

BX: ...


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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:01 pm
Issue #5

BX: Well, as you all know, last time I ran into a little conundrum. How was I supposed to find the Resistance members if the Town Guards thought I looked exactly like this fugitive Stalfos that I keep hearing about? Well our frequent readers should know I NEVER give up! And as you will see, I am ready to tackle this mission HEAD ON!

~After borrowing some old coats and scarves from that girl who kept bugging me, I was COMPLETELY disguised as a random visitor to town!...~

Agitha: Good Luck, Mr Boneman!

BX: I don't need luck! I'm a REPORTER!


BX: Hello! Good day! I'm just an ordinary stranger walking normally around town!

Old Lady: Did a bug just crawl out of that man's sleeve?

Girl #1: EWW he has bugs ALL OVER HIM!!

Girls #2 & #3: EWWWW!

BX: Wait! Why is everyone running away from me?! PLEASE COME BACK! *cough- spit*....did.....did I just spit out a cockroach?...............DAMN YOU BUG GIRL!!

-after 'emptying' my costume, in front of Telma's Bar-

BX: WELL! I'm HERE!....I just need to go inside and talk to the members...this feels....TOO easy...

-opens door-

BX: H-Hello?

Telma: Hmm? Why hello stranger, I haven't seen the likes of you before....are you perhaps the Stalfos who's been troubling the townsfolk recently?

BX: Wh-What? H-How did you-?

Telma: HAHA! I can put two and two together...that...and your ankles are showing.

BX: Blasted socks...I can never get them to stay up.

Telma: May I ask, why have you come to my bar?

BX: ...I'm glad you asked...

-whips of costume-

BX: I am BX! The Greatest Stalfos Reporter THIS side of the Timeline Theory! I come asking for an interview with the great Resistance!

Telma: .........Why?

BX: Because THAT is what my READERS are HUNGRY FOR! The thirst for knowledge MUST be quenched!

Telma: ...Are they hungry or thirsty?

BX: This is a matter of MOST IMPORTANCE! I put my reputation ON THE LINE for this single news story! I beg of you, DON'T LET THE FANS DOWN!.....Seriously....they can be quite ferocious...especially since most of them are Lizalfos...

Telma:....Are you serious?


Telma:....(may the Goddesses help me).....fine...I believe you...however, none of the other members are currently here...

BX: WHAAAT?! Why not?

Telma: Well, after everything went back to normal, they've been out doing their own adventures...

BX: Darn....well....aren't YOU a member! *gleam*

Telma: Uh...n-no! I'm just the owner of their hideout, hahaha! I don't know any details about them....but....but I DO know where they might be!

BX: Will you tell me?!

Telma: Only if you immediately leave after I tell you.


Telma: Good.



Telma: No.....problem.

BX: Oh...one more question!

Telma: ...

BX: Do you know there's a weird Postman sitting in the corner over there?

Telma:....I honestly never noticed him until now.


~ Join me NEXT TIME when my journey for the Resistance FINALLY begins! ~

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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2011 5:19 pm
Issue #6

BX: Last time I got secret data on the location of the Resistance members! And as such I was off to visit them at ONCE!

~ After being kicked out of Castle Town again I ventured forth to one of the two locations that Telma had revealed to me! For the sake of the first location's identity I will refer to it as 'More-Don Village'!....Of course I disguised myself much more better this time...~

BX: Don't mind me. Average traveler coming to sight-see!

Jaggle: Is that a walking, talking scarecrow?

Hanch: Uh, L-Looks like it! Or maybe...he's just a skinny man?

Jaggle: Eh?....Maybe so....as long as he doesn't cause trouble...

BX: Um excuse me I am looking for the house of a man named Rusl!

Colin: You want to see dad?

BX: Dad?....DAD! Oh you must be his son! That's wonderful! Can you tell me which one of these houses is your's then?

Colin: Mother told me never to talk to strangers...

BX: *gasp* I am no stranger! I am BX! Ace reporter for the Stal-....uh....The...Stalwart Youth....Brigade.....Newsletter?.....yeah sure....The SYBN! (Actually, that name isn't half bad...)

Colin: ...

BX: ...

Colin: Besides....father isn't home right now. He's helping Mr Fado reinforce his fences.

BX: I see! Well then...OF TO FADO'S FENCES!

-1 minute later-

BX: Where are Fado's fences located?

Colin: At the ranch...


-5 minutes later-

BX: Where is the ranch?

Colin: Down that path...


Colin: ....Dad...I'm sorry for sending you that idiot....


Rusl: The you go, Fado. They're as good as new now. You should have NO trouble keeping them all inside the fence.

Fado: Thank you! I should have NO trouble now...


Fado: Hyah?

BX: Are you Fado?

Fado: Y-Yes?

BX: And this is your ranch?

Fado: Uh, yes...

BX: AHA! I have found you....now...uh...why did I want to come here?....felt like it was important...

Rusl: Um...well I must be on my way Fado...good luck with...everything...

Fado: Of course Mr Rusl, thank you again...

BX: ...Rusl?.......... What a nice name....but why am I here?...argh I can't remember!


~ I will remember! ~

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Post Re: Stalfos Times • Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:18 pm
Issue #7

BX: You're in LUCK folks! I managed to finally track down Rusl and had a proper interview with him!

~ I bring you this breaking interview from the home of the Resistance member himself!~

Rusl: So, what was it that you were going to ask of me?

BX: Just some simple questions.

Rusl: Then I shall do my best in answering them.

BX: Whenever you are ready then.

Rusl: Please begin.

BX: Of course. Let us start with an easy question. What led you to join the Resistance?

Rusl: Well I did it to protect the people I care about and to protect the lives of the innocent.

BX: Of course, of course. And was there any harsh feelings leaving your family for such a purpose?

Rusl: It was hard at first, but I learned to cope as I knew this was for their protection.

BX: I see. Now if you don't mind I will ask you slightly more personal questions that my readers would most likely want answered.

Rusl: Eheh, I'm usually no good at these things, so I will try my best to answer.

BX: Okay....Is it true that you breed magic gold Cuckoos!?!?

Rusl: Uh! What?!

BX: Well DO YOU?!?!




BX: So I have officially been run out of somewhere ELSE...But never fear for I, BX, shall grab you further stories from the OTHER Resistance members! Thank god I am in Faron Underwoods, that means I am close.....god this fog is...quite...dense.......Zzzzzzz......


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