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 "The Nightlife" 
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Hylian Squire
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Joined: Wed Mar 11, 2009 4:59 pm
Posts: 9
Location: Ohio
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Post "The Nightlife" • Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:09 pm
so... um... hey! it's been a long time.. I know that I'm not so familiar with any of you... but I wanted some critiques on some stuff I wrote... so I was hoping that some of you may be able to help me out :)

This is from my attempt at a second book.. I wrote one but the publisher wasn't a big fan of it.. neither was I of course. So I'm trying it again. I'm not going to try to publish it anytime soon.... but I just wanted to write it

okay, anyway... this is just a chapter from the book. The fourth chapter to be exact. Two characters. A male and a female. The names are difficult to pronounce... I know XD it's because this takes place on another planet! that's why it's kind of weird... so, yeah...

Anyway, here it is!

Absolute silence.

There I sat as I awaited the girl. I had the feeling that she would be out again tonight. No, I knew it. What I would give to see that gorgeous face again. The darling full lips, round lilac eyes, and those rosy pink cheeks. She had been wearing a smock dress when I saw her. That was the type of dress either an insecure girl wore, or one that someone would make her wear. Of course, I didn’t know her well enough to tell, but truth be told, I was hoping for something that offered more visibility of her figure.

My ears perked up as I heard those footsteps on the dirt road. The same as I had heard the night before. I jumped down from my post in silence. I snuck up to where she lived. The light of the lantern nearly hit me, but I dodged it. “Put the light out,” I said.

The girl froze. “D-Damai?” she wondered in a frightened voice.

“Yes. Now put the light out. I want to take you somewhere.”

“But I won’t be able to see,” she protested.

“Put the light out. Now.”

A moment later the light was extinguished. I made my move and came up to her. She looked to the direction of the footsteps. “Damai?” she asked.

My fingers wrapped around her arm and I pulled her away from the house.

“Where are you taking me?” she inquired.

“Somewhere. You’ll see.”

“I won’t see.”

I chuckled, and I glanced back to see an amused smile on her lips. “You thought that was funny?” I said.

“You were the one that laughed,” she pointed out.

I shrugged, still bearing a smile on my face. “I suppose I did.”

We had been walking for several minutes now, and we were coming upon the garden I wanted her to see.

“Are we almost there?” she asked.

“Full of questions, aren’t you?” I said cheerfully.

“Tonight I am. I have so much to ask you.”

“Well, you’ll just have to wait a bit longer. We’re almost there.”

“Will I be able to see you?”


“Damai…” she trailed off.

I stopped as we came upon the garden and I turned to her. “You never told me your name,” I mentioned.

She smiled in the pitch black. “Teurah. They call me Teurah.”

“Teurah? Like the moon?”

I saw her look up at me, her eyes lit up with happiness. “Nobody ever catches that.”

“Well, I know the Teurah moon. She’s my friend.”

“Do you know her other side?”

“Yes, they call him Gouuk.”

“The two sides make the strongest pair. Teurah and Gouuk,” she said with a grin.

I nodded, then remembered that she couldn’t see me. “The two shall become one. I know the tale,” I replied.

“My meu used to read it to me.”

“Did she? She must have been a good woman.”

The grin disappeared from her face. “She was a good woman. I miss her.”

I grabbed the arm and tugged her further into the garden. We came upon the night trees. The ones that flourished only in the night. I peered up and saw the glowing, round, purple fruit. I pulled one off a branch and handed it to Teurah. She rolled it over in her hands. “What is this?”

“Well, since you’re Teurah, here’s your Gouuk. It’s the fruit; named after the moon.”

She held it up to her eyes, as she looked into the mesmerizing glow of the swirling purple skin of the fruit. “It’s wonderful,” she murmured. “Why do they call it Gouuk?”

“Because, Gouuk guards us from the mirdiddahn. So does the fruit.”

She looked back to me. “What does that mean? How can the fruit–”

“It repels mirdiddahn. If a mirdiddahn were to bite someone who had eaten the fruit several days prior, the mirdiddahn itself would be poisoned. We can smell the fruit on a person’s breath. We can smell it in their blood; even on their skin.”

“Amazing,” she said in awe. Then she bit into the Gouuk fruit. Her face twisted when the bitter juice hit her tongue. She spat it out. “It’s disgusting!”

“All medicines are, aren’t they?”

“Yes, and this is certainly no exception.” She coughed and forced a small, hurt smile. “Why didn’t you warn me?”

“I wanted you to find out for yourself. Nobody believes that something so beautiful could be so awful.”

She laughed. “I don’t think I would have believed you.” She was silent for a minute. Then she added, “Does it work? Can you smell it?”

I leaned over to her cheek and breathed in. All I could smell was her skin. It was bathed in an herbal scent that was so soothing. I wanted to curl up in the scent and sleep for hours. Pulling away I replied, “I don’t smell it. I think you actually have to swallow it.”

We laughed lightly and she said, “That makes sense.”

Silence came for another moment as we both searched for something to say. Finally, she spoke, “Do you think the Gouuk will come back soon? Teurah doesn’t bring any light.”

“Gouuk will come back later in the season.”

She reached out her hand towards me and I held it in mine. “Are mirdiddahn really black?” She brought my hand up to her eyes in an attempt to see me.

“You never will,” I informed her as she tried so hard to see me. “But I promise you,” I let out a low chuckle as I said this. I continued saying, “we really are black. As black as a night with Teurah.”

“With Teurah,” she echoed. “The moon or me?”

“The moon. You should see yourself at night. You’re not dark at all. You’re full of light.”

“And you’re full of black,” she said, still trying to see me. The palm of my hand tapped her nose and she pressed her face into my hand. “I really want to see you.”

“I know you do. The time will come for that, but not now.”

“When?” she asked as she pulled her face away from my palm. Her hand slid up my arm and to my face. She felt for my nose, and then my eyes. Bringing her other hand up, she explored the plains of my head. Her fingers tangled in my black hair, and then came to my shoulders. “Your skin is so smooth.” Her hands moved down my chest and her face flushed. “You’re not wearing a shirt.”

“I know,” I said. “I don’t wear shirts at night.”

“I hope you wear them during the day.” Her hands flew back to her sides.

“Don’t worry. I do.”

She looked down and moved her bare feet in the soil. I noticed a smile creeping across her face.

“What are you smiling about now?” I wondered, being my intrigued self. She seemed to be smiling a lot tonight. I didn’t understand why though. Was it something I was doing?

“I’m just thinking about how my brother will react when he sees my dirty feet. He’ll be furious.”

“You like to infuriate your brother?”

“Yes, it is my favorite. He’s so sour all the time. Annoying him is my speciality. Of course, his partner always gets mad at me.” She laughed to herself. “Well, sometimes she does. Sometimes she agrees with me.”

I smiled and said, “I think I should let you get back. You need to sleep.”

Teurah looked up at me. “Tomorrow night?”

“I’ll be waiting.”

She threw her arms around me, but quickly she remembered that I wasn’t wearing a shirt. Of course, she shifted aside from me and looked around. I took her cue and guided her back to her house. I helped her light the lantern before sliding back into the shadows. She looked around and held up the lantern to where I was. She waved to me and then walked into her home.

I watched her as her body moved under the smock dress; her hair lit up in the light of the lantern. Slowly, I crept away to find my own place to sleep.


So there it is.. out to share it with people... thanks for reading :)

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